Only the Blue Mushrooms Kill, Poem

Leave a comment

Mushroom, mushroom, sparkle dully,

Thorny stem, phantom blue.

Fester neath the twilight grim,

till ghostly girl visits you.

Skipping through the nights foggy dew,

traveling towards some friends and kin.

Espies tasty treat or two,

and pockets our dwarf assassin.

Reaching home without a delay,

she enters and smiles break out.

She tells them of her journey that day,

crossing a valleys, past monks devout.

No idea of her destined death,

she snags the homicidal shroom.

Silence falls across her pale form,

A shriek cracks the still pearly moon.


Forms Suck, We’re Gonna Fix This Paperwork Problem


My hands will fall off, but the paper stretches on.

My pens bleed dry, yet more initials are needed.

My signature burns in black fire in my vision, even when I close my eyes.

I’m not even half way done,  Moral: paperwork sucks.  We need to fight it or be consumed. RESIST.

Sometimes I regret shredding my job applications. Then I remember just how much of a bitch they would have been and return to panhandling.

Forms; why do have them?  This week alone, and this is a legitimate figure, I have had to fill out seven different forms, ranging from three to twelve pages each.  In the end it was thirty-one pages of reading, which I didn’t read.  I asked, “Why do I need to fill out this paperwork?” to a nearby police officer (my fictitious brother is in jail for littering, which is why I have to fill out all these fictional forms).

He simply replied, “Insurance, case you die or something.”

This is the kind and compassionate police office. Still freaked.

There it is, plain and simple, the truth hit me right in the face like that cops moist saliva. (*shivers*)  Forms are just people avoiding blame.  By signing you name on those white pieces of paper you excepting those who are there to protect you from any legitimate responsibility.  Should you die, break an arm, or wake up in a bed with hookers of various sexes they can just wave the form and walk away, leaving you to get felt up by a very hairy man named Shirley.

Not that I'm hating on hairy men... named Shirley.

That explains why we have forms.  Now why do we have to fill out so many?

This is for the very simple rule of thumb that I use everyday in my life:

People.  Are.  Idiots.

It would be simpler to have on basic form for each and every individual, rather than hundreds of forms for every different activity.  As of now whenever you sign up for anything potentially dangerous, like seeing a rabbit, a new unique for is produced to be filled out.  By the time the mountain of paperwork is climbed that rabbit is already asleep.

Truer words never said.

If every individual had their own standardized forms the process would be much simpler.  Upon arrival the forms would be simply handed over, the rabbit owners would double-check that they are insured, and everything would be all set.  Your work becomes their work.

As an added bonus, you don’t even need to bring the form.  You can just give them your standardized form number and password and they can pull it up on the internet.  Saves paper, recycling rules.

As a doubled added bonus, yes I went there, you would ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR SIGNING UP FOR.  A quick raise of hands, who here actually reads those forms they sign?

Well you a don't have to be rude about it.

Having one form would require only reading one form to understand what your getting into.  This will prevent people accidentally signing their lives away.  People are put off by the gargantuan amount of paperwork and reading associated with forms, this would produce one set for all basic activities.  Exotic activities will have special consent forms still, but they will be few and far between.

You've done the paperwork for that, right? OH GOD, NO?! YOU COULD GET PAPERCUTS!

Lets call for change, I don’t want my hand to fall off ever again filling out these stupid forms.  I will sign one set and my fictitious brother will be able to bail himself out of jail.

Liked this?  Well the hilarity only increases when I tell you how to overthrow the government, for real(-ish):

Perhaps you are in the mood for something more sober.  The looming national deficit, which would be made lighter by these standardized forms. :

Flat Tire

Leave a comment

Sky turns from yearning gray to dismal blue.
Fireworks explode far away, eyes shift.
Yellow, red flack; bringing smiles anew.
In my hands, a poke-a-dotted wrapped gift

Below, a house, inside, a pretty girl
Heart quickens, walking slowly down the knoll.
Silver streamers hang, forgetting to unfurl
Watch chirps, a single monotonous toll.

Missed the sweet sixteen of my sweetheart
She’s with another, resting, on, shoulder
Stumble to ground, cannot see, soul departs
Dreary misery, cannot feel colder.

%d bloggers like this: