Forms Suck, We’re Gonna Fix This Paperwork Problem


My hands will fall off, but the paper stretches on.

My pens bleed dry, yet more initials are needed.

My signature burns in black fire in my vision, even when I close my eyes.

I’m not even half way done,  Moral: paperwork sucks.  We need to fight it or be consumed. RESIST.

Sometimes I regret shredding my job applications. Then I remember just how much of a bitch they would have been and return to panhandling.

Forms; why do have them?  This week alone, and this is a legitimate figure, I have had to fill out seven different forms, ranging from three to twelve pages each.  In the end it was thirty-one pages of reading, which I didn’t read.  I asked, “Why do I need to fill out this paperwork?” to a nearby police officer (my fictitious brother is in jail for littering, which is why I have to fill out all these fictional forms).

He simply replied, “Insurance, case you die or something.”

This is the kind and compassionate police office. Still freaked.

There it is, plain and simple, the truth hit me right in the face like that cops moist saliva. (*shivers*)  Forms are just people avoiding blame.  By signing you name on those white pieces of paper you excepting those who are there to protect you from any legitimate responsibility.  Should you die, break an arm, or wake up in a bed with hookers of various sexes they can just wave the form and walk away, leaving you to get felt up by a very hairy man named Shirley.

Not that I'm hating on hairy men... named Shirley.

That explains why we have forms.  Now why do we have to fill out so many?

This is for the very simple rule of thumb that I use everyday in my life:

People.  Are.  Idiots.

It would be simpler to have on basic form for each and every individual, rather than hundreds of forms for every different activity.  As of now whenever you sign up for anything potentially dangerous, like seeing a rabbit, a new unique for is produced to be filled out.  By the time the mountain of paperwork is climbed that rabbit is already asleep.

Truer words never said.

If every individual had their own standardized forms the process would be much simpler.  Upon arrival the forms would be simply handed over, the rabbit owners would double-check that they are insured, and everything would be all set.  Your work becomes their work.

As an added bonus, you don’t even need to bring the form.  You can just give them your standardized form number and password and they can pull it up on the internet.  Saves paper, recycling rules.

As a doubled added bonus, yes I went there, you would ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR SIGNING UP FOR.  A quick raise of hands, who here actually reads those forms they sign?

Well you a don't have to be rude about it.

Having one form would require only reading one form to understand what your getting into.  This will prevent people accidentally signing their lives away.  People are put off by the gargantuan amount of paperwork and reading associated with forms, this would produce one set for all basic activities.  Exotic activities will have special consent forms still, but they will be few and far between.

You've done the paperwork for that, right? OH GOD, NO?! YOU COULD GET PAPERCUTS!

Lets call for change, I don’t want my hand to fall off ever again filling out these stupid forms.  I will sign one set and my fictitious brother will be able to bail himself out of jail.

Liked this?  Well the hilarity only increases when I tell you how to overthrow the government, for real(-ish):

Perhaps you are in the mood for something more sober.  The looming national deficit, which would be made lighter by these standardized forms. :


The US Deficit: Expensive (In Painful Ways) Spending


Obama is pushing legislation through that will repeal some excessive Bush tax cuts.  These taxes only applied to the richest Americans and saved the citizens 70 billion a year.  It turns out that this was not such a good idea for the American economy, the deficit widened and dollar weakened.  That costs you more taxes, yip-ee.

No. I'd say go back to Texas, but I'd feel bad for the Texans.

They tax cuts will give the American government those extra 70 billion dollars to work with.  This is good for almost everyone, and those that are hurt by this tax repeal have enough money to cope with the situation.  They will have to cut back on the money bathes.

Except her, she can have all the tax cuts she wants.

However, critics of this policy highlights that all politicians are still increasing the deficit with other tax cuts.  These cuts remain unopposed.  The politicians logic is that if these tax cuts were repealed it would knock the American, and the world, economy back into a recession.  Nobody wants that, excpet perhaps my Aunt Sally.  Bitch owns Walmart (well some stock in it).

No. You may not help me or anyone else. I'm going to therapy, be back in twenty years.

Therefore, they are extending them for the next couple of years.  The trade off is that the deficit increased and the American government loses 3 trillion dollars every year.  This is unacceptable.

The American government is an irresponsible teenager who just received his first credit card.  Now they have a new car, some very slick technology, and everything they could ever want.  That is when the bill turns up, for 13.4 trillion dollars. But, just like a teenager, the American government pays the bare minimum interest and returns to having fun.  Short term, this is a perfect cheap solution.  Long term, this becomes costly mistake.

The American deficit is money that we borrowed from other countries and private entities, that is being slowly paid back over several years in bonds.  Bonds should only be used in times of extreme need, in times of war or crises.  Using them to fund a government at any other point is simply irresponsible.  It is irresponsible because there is interest on the bonds, just like the credit cards.  The government loses money on every bond they sell.  Big no-no.

SANTA JACKED MY ATV!!! (it's okay, I got his sled)

The solution to this dilemma, stop increasing the deficit.  Across the board there must be cuts, with exceptional exceptions, to make America be able to fund the American budget.  The military spending should be cut back, it is unnecessary to maintain such a large army for a country in peace time.

The exceptions should be spending that will yield beneficial taxes in the long term.  Spend money to make money.  An expansion of NASA and the space program will increase science growth in every field, so there will be more things to tax long term.  Environmental protection programs should also be expanded; they always bring additional employment opportunities.  Parks need rangers, animals need vets, and endangered forests need scientists.  This program will increase the employment rates in America, therefore it will also be profitable or at least this program will pay for itself.  Americans need to wake up and take care of the national deficit, before it takes care of them.

Australia Opposing Freedom; Pro-Monarchy



Clearly you are not from Australia, whose populace are determined to remain in the throes of monarchy.

Australia has traditionally been a province of the Britain.  Ever since the founding of the Australian territory it has been this way and Britain has treated them like shit.  When the cities became overpopulated spare Irishmen were sent, unwillingly, over to Australia  alongside killers and rapists.  These weren’t nice little cruises, with margaritas and belly dances.  It was fairly common for passengers to die in the crossing, which took many months in leaking ships.  Upon arrival, the poor immigrants realized they had to scratch out a living in a country that is more than half desert.

Where's Oz?

If only I had a margarita. Not a belly dancer though, there always far to fat. Whales.

It was like begin sent to a different planet.

This trend continued basically till the conclusion of World War Two.  This is when the Australians began to start self-governing.  Somewhere off in Britain the Queen Elizabeth the Second (yes, she is that old) smiled that her provinces were flourishing and went back to eating tea and crumpets.  I speculate she forgot about the seventh continent, because they have self governed unmolested since that point.

These days are some of the last of Queen Elizabeth the Second.  The Australian politicians are getting frightened; while she rocked her successor doesn’t.  That man is Prince Charles, her eldest son.  Turns out he is an idiot.

His attitude on journalists, “I hate…these bloody people.”

His opinion of Chinese politicians (who represent arguably the most powerful country on Earth) -“… appalling old waxworks.”

Prince Charles is also a magician, he’s got a rabbit and everything.

Prince Charles and Rabbit

So basically, giving this guy the power to command Australia, and Canada as well for that matter, is a worse idea than giving an arsonist a flamethrower and set him loose on New York City during a Paper and Dry Leaves Festival.  At least you could probably kill that arsonist with a sniper or something, though dropping napalm on him would be a touch more ironic.  Australia has over 80,000 troops in the Australian Defense Force, each and every one of them trained amongst the Kangaroo Kung Fu masters and Karate Koalas.

And you thought they kept these guys around because they were fuzzy. Cuddle him and die.

So chancing this megalomaniac Prince Charles with that sort of power is a big no-no.  There is talk of by passing him. Prince William, next in line after Prince Charles, is actually competent and probably wouldn’t start World War Three for fun.  But Australia cannot rely on that; which is why there has been a push for transferring Australia over to a republic.

However, there is resistance.  And a lot of it.

Turns out the common folk of Australia would rather run the risks above and remain a part of the British Empire.  They are a proud, and very silly, people, they have grown to their attached to their roots in England.  I wonder how many remember their ancestors were kicked out of British Isles and their country was always been mistreated by Britain.  Whenever the English needed conscripts they called on Australia, whether they wanted to fight or not.  Tens of thousands of Australians died in hills of Turkey during World War One.  There are Australian graves across Europe from World War Two.  I guess the Australians have a short memory.

I wonder how often they lose their keys.

This majority group, yes recent statics point that the majority of the country want to keep the status quo, are determined to stay a monarchy.  Almost all of the Australian Parliament, except the Prince Charles alleged conspirators, want a republic.

Currently these two are at a standstill, but this may change any day.  Check back soon for updates.

The Fantastic College Expedition: Summer Job

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During the summer some kids go to camps, others chill with their friends, and handful get summer jobs.  I am in the third group.  I have been job hopping for the last three summers; I’ve done everything from bag groceries to file paperwork.  This summer I lucked out; I ended up at the Winchester Country Club.  Some of you might have seen me there; I was in the snack shack serving fries and scooping ice cream.  Living the American dream.

I spent a lot of time with people last summer; serving kids food, joking with my coworkers during work, and observing my various bosses. I liked some things I saw; I did not like others.

On any given shift I would probably serve a hundred orders.  That might sound like a lot, but bear in mind that at minimum half of all orders were little plastic cups of goldfish.  The kids and the adults too, were crazy for those little orange fish.  We literally went through three or four large cartons of goldfish every day.  I can’t even look at them anymore.

What I found interesting was the way my various customers asked for their goldfish.  Most simply asked, “Goldfish?” and they would receive their food.  But at least one out of every ten people I served were not quite that nice.  I remember one kid, barely ten years old, bypassed a line of twenty some odd people and screamed “GIVE ME SOME GOLDFISH.”  This would just be an interesting story, if it didn’t happen Every. Single. Day.  After politely telling him he had to wait in line, he would return to the back, grumbling.  By the time he got to the front I could see the fire in his eyes, I was very, very glad I had a sturdy counter between the two of us.  There are no words to describe his anger.

There are other stories along these lines. Tales of arrogant and stupid teenagers trying to haggle for free food.  Passive aggressive baby sitters.  All stories that boil down to one very simple truth.  At the heart of many people is an egotistic black hole.  When left up to their own devices they will demand attention and immediate results, and will swiftly anger should their absurd demands not be met.  Some people simply lack any degree of sympathy.

Despite the fact that do not have consciences when they see others as their equals they will dredge up some respect for their fellow man.  In the eyes of the club members all of the staff were their inferiors; in our own eyes we were all more or less equal.  What I found interesting was in that equality leaders rose, each with every different agendas.

The leader I remember the most was just as angry as the Goldfish Boy, but she channeled her rage into her work.  Her work method was to work as quickly and efficiency as possible and decapitate anyone who got in her way.  You have no idea how frightening a ninety pound white girl can be.  She emerged as one leader, simply because everyone was scared to death of her.

The other leader was the exact opposite.  A fun guy, always quick with a joke or a funky dance move.  He was friends with everyone; there was not one person that didn’t enjoy talking with him.  He would always conjure up some interesting tidbit or metaphor regardless of whatever the conversation was on politics or the diet of the sparrows that lived by the Country Club  (We believe it is mostly Goldfish).  He is the nicest guy; he was the other leader we looked up two.

I suspect many of you suspect I am leading up to a massive battle between the forces of good and evil, the conflict of the century.  Well I’m not.  Despite the fact the angry, angry girl gave him many offenses he never once took the bait.  He would just smile in return and say something polite.  In the end he also earned her grudging respect simply because he was able to stand up to her, much more than anyone else could do.  He emerged as the supreme leader of us coworkers because he was nice. It’s as simple as that.

The topic of my speech was a summer experience.  I could have talked about anything in the summer, from the days I spent at the Jersey shore to my treks in South Carolina.  Instead I choose to talk about the mundane, about working a minimum wage job at a random country club.  I did not talk about it because it was interesting, but because it had the greatest effect on my life of all the events of summer.  It was at the country club that I learned about people.

The lessons I learned from the people I worked with this summer are so simple that they are often forgotten.  Some people are angry because they are self-centered.  Being polite and kind will get you better results than yelling and screaming.  There are other lessons that I do not have time to address.  And with each lesson about humanity only created new questions.  The only solid conclusion I came to was that in order to succeed is to get to know people around you.  That is the only fact I learned this summer.

The Fantastic College Expedition: Relient K Rocks

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If I said the words “christian rock” would you quickly abandon this post as a lost cause?  Don’t worry, I would as well.  There is a stigma attached to those words; it attracts the religious like honey and drives away everyone else like a flamethrower at a baseball game.  Sadly, the religious will be disappointed and the world will miss out the dark horse of music: Relient K.

Not a boy band, ish.

While I was video hopping from falling cats to jumping dogs on Youtube yesterday I must have accidentally misclicked, and ended up here.   And yes, by misclicked I mean I saw the hot girl in the five seconds and then quite voluntarily clicked.

Pretty cool right?  Well if you disagree put it in comments and we’ll debate through the night about the finer points of musical talent.  When you agree your going to be demanding to know who they are.

I’ll be more than happy to tell you.

Relient K Background

Apparently Ohio actually is has some value, they produced Relient K.  The name was inspired by an old car (a Plymouth Reliant K) and they switched the letters so they would not get sues too often.  The founding members Matt ThiessenBrian Pittman, and Matt Hoopes thought it would be a good idea to start the band during their junior year in high school.  They stuck together through college, adding on Jon Schneck and Ethan Luck to fill out their band.  Signing a deal with Capital Records, they produced multiple well received albums, MMHMM placed #20 on the Billboard 200 and Five Score and Seven Years Ago placed #6.

Well, answer the question. Now.

So why you Haven’t Heard of Them

Simply because they are Christian rock; that is the sole and primary reason.  I was looking at the top twenty songs today.  There is some pop, some rock, a splash of alternative, and a hint of country.  No religion.  In mainstream media religion is a taboo topic, rarely is it brought up since mishandling it will bring down the wrath of God. (quite literally).

This trend continues with music.  Many radio station simply will not play any song that even mentions God, then there are a handful of others that praise the lord nonstop.  Relient K falls between these two extremes; alternative rock with a religious undertones.  And there religious undertones are almost nonexistent. Seriously, they are more likely to bring up pink tuxedos than the Lord.

They wrote a whole song about this

How Can I Hear this Today?

Buy it.  Or YouTube them.

How Can I Hear it Everywhere in the Future?

You like what you hear, we’ll speak up so you can hear more of it.  It is unlikely that the top radio stations of today will change their musical agenda unless you personally advocate for change. Petitions, boycotts … actually that only works if you get like a million of people.

If we can get that many you love this music, which already do my sources tell me, we can take a different approach to get this earcandy on the airwaves.  Set up an independent radio station.

I will begin looking into this possibility; a brand new radio station specializing in the great music that has fallen through the cracks.  It will focus on alternative rock, but also have a significant Christian rock and alternative punk influences.  It will sweep across the radio world, overthrowing the giants of today and paved the way for the next generation of music. Alternative.

Well then.  I’ll put this GREAT IDEA on hold till I can get the capital to start up THE BEST RADIO STATION EVER! (Can you lend me three million dollars?)  In the meantime, I plan to buy all of their songs and listen to Relient K nonstop.

Paris “Bombers”: Those Damn Kids (who will kill us all)

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Turns out that bombs kill people; I know this may come as a real shocker given the amount of bathroom graffiti I have seen lately.  Bomb threats every day of the week.  One even went as far as to threaten the world with the Apocalypse on December 21,2012.

Society has learned to deal with bombs, now they are just another part of pop culture and another weapon of disgruntled students and angry citizens.  False bomb threats are useless at getting any action done, however they are great at pissing off the authorities.  Every time one is called in whole areas have to be evacuated and police have to spend tens of thousands of dollars  searching for the bomb that never was.  Its like when we let three pigs into the school, labelling them 1,2, and 4; letting them run wild through the school.  Authorities quickly apprehended them, but were greatly perplexed when they couldn’t find the third pig.  They were pissed, we laughed.

Pig Number Three hid in his superb disguise, nobody guessed his actual identity

Authorities hate bomb threats; so when there was a particularly violent one in Paris today they were forced to take it seriously.  The target was the Eiffel Tower and the cause was clear.  The Lower House of France, it’s at the bottom of the hill, just pasted a controversial bill that raised the French pension age to 62.  On the upside this will help cut the French deficit by seventy-two billion euro, like two hundred billion dollars.  On the down side those poor Frenchmen will have to wait an addition two years before they start receiving pension checks. Sad face.

Such sadness. Such drama. I usually hate mimes, but she's kinda cute.

In response to this some idiot called in a bomb threat.  This is the part where it gets real.  Every time anyone calls in a false bomb threat police forces get a little more lax on their precautions.

If there was one bomb threat every ten years, police would act with extreme energy, searching every alcove with absolute efficiency.  There is a notable chance that the bomb, that is very, very real, will be deactivated and lives and property will be saved.

Suppose there was one a year, police would still take it seriously and they would probably get pretty good at doing their job.  Still though this is where people start swearing over lost sleep

Suppose there was one a month.  Police will hurriedly check their districts, then return to eating donuts.  Now they are up a magnitude of annoyance; someone stole their donut!

The Donut Police Force (DPF) was formed for the protection and equal rights of all donuts and bagels.

Once a week.  Once a day.  Every time something pisses you off.  Cops are eating donuts now, your frantic bomb threat will be dealt with right after they retrieve all the bicycles stolen in the last ten years and file the paperwork.  And that’s fine.  We all live merrily ever after and gorge ourselves on sugary delights, time to bring out the strawberry glazed.

Right?  Oh wait, that was a real bomb, SHI-


The moral of the story people have got to stop being so self-centered; whether they are upset about government policy or are distressed by the increasing numbers of mudbloods populating our school systems.  While the bomb threat will bring about immediate results those changes will be lucky to last longer than six hours.  Than the world returns to normal, twice as annoyed and half as wary.  Should an actual bomb be planted, the authorities won’t even bother sending someone to investigate. People will die if this trend continues; ironically the fools who called in previous false will die right along side those who are calling in real ones.  Deal with life; it’s better than embracing death (seriously, he’s all feathery.)

You have seen him before; where was he in this article.  If you can't, your normal.  If you can post it below, I'll personally congratulate you on being a super geek

This is death. Ain't he a cutie? He's a great kisser.

The Fantastic College Expedition: Take Advantage of Opportunities

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Straight simple, to the point. If opportunity bites you on the ass, just go with it. Today. I chilled with my best friend and my girlfriend for the afternoon. After running my energy well pass zero, I returned home wearily . I had planed to sleep, relax, and just take it easy.
I threw that plan out just now, listening to open tiny message of golden opportunity.
My church group is getting a bunch of people together and we’re all going to have a slumber party (I swear if any readers in our male audience get hard at the thought of slumber parties I will personally chop your python off with a rusty knife.) Smiles
On one hand I could stay home and sleep.
On the other I could have the might of my life; despite the fact it is a church group we have some pretty wild childs and little supervision.
Opportunity has arrived and is now whisking me away.
Lesson: Go where life takes you, NOW!

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