So, you wanna overthrow the government? No problem! With this easy to follow guide we will have you building your own empire in no time. All you need to do is stick to the five step plan Make sure to follow through, otherwise those nasty international agencies will be sure to foil your dastardly schemes. The very first thing you need to do is…
1. Develop a Devout Following
This one sounds fairly simple. Surprisingly, many aspiring world dictators never make it past this point. You will with our help. It is one thing to rave to the masses, it is quite another to get them to follow you. There are a wide variety of ways to convert them:
-Make them believe you can help them
-Promise protection from various threats
-Smile really wide
-Write a convincing book
-Get celebrity endorsement, I recommend Lindsay Lohan
At this point do NOT USE VIOLENT FORCE. The police, military, and a single balding mall cop are each independently powerful enough to bring you down. You have to appear to be a good guy, kind charismatic and having only good intentions. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to build a school or donate money to an orphanage (stealing it back later won’t be a problem). Just get a following by any nonviolent means necessary.
After that they next important stepping stone is to…
2. Install Followers in Key Positions
Placement of operatives is very important, the difference between glorious victory and humiliating defeat. When the time comes to overthrow the government they will play a critical role. Before your uprising they will be surreptitious, drawing no attention to themselves, attaining prominent positions. Here are some suggestions –
– State Governor
– Corporation Manager
– Football Mascot
– Military General
– Guest Star on The View
– Presidential Aide
– Morgan Freeman
When you call upon them they will each be able to donate their forces to aid your rise to power. Those in the government will legitimize your operations, allowing you to stage your takeover unmolested. The military and corporate leaders can provide you with an arsenal varying from state of the art weaponry to detailed defense schematics. The mascot can encourage you. Morgan Freeman can be Morgan Freeman.
Once everyone is in their positions, onwards to…
3. Create a Political Disaster
The beginning of the end, it is now time to strike. You will need to plan to villainous attack on the current government; the assasult must be specifically designed to completely demoralize them. The only good faces are sad faces. This political disaster will destabilize the current government, shaming the officials and proving they are inept. Here are some suggestions-
– Evidence of War Crimes becoming public
– Unexplained Nuclear Attack/s
– Another Rocky Movie
– Exposing Corrupt Politicians
– ANOTHER ROCKY MOVIE
This blow must be swift and certain, their can be no hesitation. The people will lose faith in the current government; the foolish officials allowed the disaster to happen, a new reign is needed. Here your followers step in, marshaling millions of followers to your cause. The followers will declare you a desperately needed saint in these belligerent times, someone who should take the reins of power.
All you need to do is ride the wave, and…
4. Gain Control
This is the climax of your dastardly plan. The failing government is in shambles and the people are calling for you to take power. If you timed your political disaster well you can line up the catastrophe with the elections. You and more of your followers can be civilly elected into power.
Another route that can be taken is a hostile takeover, if you are trying this be sure to have the majority of the military on your side. It will be bloody and gruesome, but this route can also work. Depending on the outcome of the battles it might even earn you more public support.
Now you have a wide variety of options to choose from for your new government-
– Fascist Dictatorship
– Anarchy, though it is not much of a government
– (Insert your name here)-ism
Setting up the government should take the highest priority, after the YOU’RE THE KING Party. Make sure to rule however you want, if you dislike a system, remove it. Sure some people will resist, they just hate change. Here comes possibly the most important step…
5. Stay Ahead of the Competition (By Eliminating It)
Anyone who resists needs to be taken care of one way or another. Otherwise they might try to other throw your brand new and shiny government (the nerve of some people). There are a few possibility when it comes to eliminating these threats-
– Trapdoor and a Shark Tank
– Secret Police
– Massive Bribes
-Shark Operatives of the Secret Police, giving out bribes through trapdoors
Now you are all alone at the top, all opponents defeated. Doesn’t it feel GREAT. The country is yours, now onwards to the whole wide world. After a cup of coffee and a celebratory parade or two. Smiles.